I shouldn’t have said it. The moment i did, i wished i could take it back. But that is impossible. Once i said those words, words that hinted that our relationship wasn’t working, i knew i shouldn’t have said them. It just made everything worse. I should have just kept them locked away inside my heart, where they couldn’t hurt him. But i spoke them. and they hurt, they hurt both of us. Saying what i did, saying what i’d secretly been thinking for a while, it made it real. It made our problems real. I thought it would make us stronger, i thought he would understand where i was coming from. But no, it made me really see that we are not perfect. That we may be drifting. And i’m afraid and it makes me angry and sad and disappointed and hurt. But saying it, made me face it and i part of me thinks i need to let go. But i don’t want to; i want to tough it out, i want to see this through, i want to live my life with him. I don’t want to give up. I don’t want to quit. But really, there is only so much i can take, so much bottled up feelings i can take. I don’t want to tell him anymore, i don’t want to worry him. So i’ll keep them to myself. And i am such a hypocrite. I tell people that they should always say what they feel. But i don’t follow my own advice. I don’t want to burden other people with my personal problems. I need a therapist.
All better :) I make mountains out of mole hills.
Sometimes when you’re in a relationship, you say yes, when you are screaming no. Sometimes love is telling little white lies. Sometimes love means hurting in silence so that the other person doesn’t hurt.
Second night in a row. Tears are rolling down my cheeks and my pillow is damp. I’m finding reasons why it won’t work. I don’t want to. But i can’t live every night like this. I don’t want to smile by day and cry by night. I thought i was done with that lif when i found you. I refuse to be forced into that lonely corner again. You were the one who gently brought me out of the dark and showed me that life was beautiful; day and night. But we are unknowingly killing each others’ emotions. I don’t want to destroy you any more than i want to be destroyed. We deserve more than that. I just don’t know how much more our relationship can take. I know in my heart that i want us to work.
As my Facebook News Feed is flooded with friends telling of their acceptance letters and visits to colleges they will be attending in the Fall, I’m disappointed in myself. I was supposed to be one of those people who was going off to a UC the Fall after Senior Year. I was supposed to be smart enough to get a full scholarship to where ever my heart desired. I was supposed to be following my dreams with no hesitations, no restrictions, no reluctance, no doubts. I was supposed to be free to start my grown up life, free as a bird. But I can’t fly, I’m being weighted down. I’m afraid to leave here, I’m afraid to leave my family, I’m afraid to leave my boyfriend, I’m afraid to leave memories and make new ones in a new place with new people, I’m afraid to leave my friends. Eventhough they’re the ones leaving. I should be the one receiving an acceptance letter from UC Berkeley and making plans to attend in the Fall. It was my dream from Freshman to the end of Junior Year: go to UC Berkeley, get my Master’s degree majoring in English, become a writer, have my books made into movies, do something with my life, make something of myself, help people, be successful. I’m not saying I can’t still do these things, I’m just not exactly on the right track. But i will do the things i have planned, I will. I will be successful, in my own way. It may not be conventional, but it will happen. I am not going to give up on my dreams. I love Alex and I would follow him anywhere, but maybe he’s going to have to be the one to follow me, following my dreams. I want to go to UC Berkeley, I will go to UC Berkeley. And if Alex and I are meant to be, we will stay together through everything. I just wish he had dreams too.
If there is anything in this world that can make me feel like there is hope; like life has a purpose, like there is a higher level of humanity somewhere in this god-foresaken life—it’s you. It’s you. It will always be you, no matter where we’re at in our lives, whether we are together or apart—nothing will ever compare to this feeling of complete and total relaxation, like i can stop all the worrying and confusion with just one gentle touch from you. No one can ever replace you, there is no way anyone could make me feel like i’m in heaven on earth. So i better not lose you, i better not screw up what we have. Because what we have is more precious and rare than the most sought after gem. What we have are moments, what we have is a conversation so captivating that it is meant to last a lifetime, what we have is a connection so compelling that one of us would have to be a complete idiot to turn away from. What we have is love, pure and simple in all its authentic complexity.
There’s so much i want to say. So much i’ve been keeping all locked up inside myself. Truths that i can’t even tell my journal, or here. That’s not like me. I live for journal entries and blogging about my life. It’s the only way i can figure things out. These words in my heart, they want so badly to be expressed, but i won’t let them out. And judging by the emptiness i feel right now, there is something wrong with me. There is something not quite right. And i fear that it is the very same thing i am living for right now. There is nothing worse than finally realizing that my relationship—my amaazing relationship, and loving boyfriend who would do anything for me and is always there for me—is maybe not the best thing for me right now. There is nothing worse than having just realized that i am losing myself within my very source of happiness.
Things that were once so important to me fail me now. Reading, writing, listening to music, friends, shopping, learning, being me; none of it makes me happy or even keeps my interest anymore. The only thing i live for is him. I’ve become one of the girls i despise. I have no sense of direction, i have my heart set on moving to LA to be with him, i can’t function without him, i am so dependent on him it makes my heart hurt. I don’t even know who i am anymore. I don’t know what i like and what i don’t like. I don’t know what i want to do with my life. I have ALWAYS had a plan, sometimes they only lasted a couple weeks. But at least they were plans. All i know is that i love him so much that it’s like nothing else matters. I’m willing to throw away my life to make this work. He loves me with all his heart, and he tells me constantly. But i don’t think he realizes that i feel the same way about him, but it’s tearing me up inside. I’ve never been one to rely on others, but unless i am talking to him, about him or i am with him, i don’t see the point. I look forward to when i will see him next. I go crazy if i wait too long to talk to him. I don’t know how much more of this madness i can take.
I don’t know what to do about this. But i’m afraid. I’m afraid i’m losing myself in love. And i don’t wanna give it up.
We wanted to have sex, we were both ready.
We were afraid that i would get pregnant.
We bought condoms, for a little reassurance.
Wait til i get birth control, there will be no more hesitation.
I get birth control, it’s supposed to make my fear disappear.
My fear only gets stronger.
This is a risk. A big risk. There’s no way to know for sure. I’m only 18.
I have the perfect boyfriend, a place, condoms, and birth control.
But i’m still not ready. How can that be? I can’t help it. I’m afraid.
I don’t get it. It shouldn’t be this difficult.
Why can’t i just do one thing in my life without overthinking it and filooding my brain with thousands of “what ifs” ?
This battle between head and body.
I just want it to vanish so i can enjoy this with him.
I feel like i’m disappointing him, like i’m being a tease.
He says he understands, but why should he?
I certainly don’t.
He deserves the world—and i can’t even give him my virginity.
I can’t do anything about his low self-confidence. He thinks i’m lying when i tell him he’s cute. He’s been called ugly his whole life. I want to be able to tell my boyfriend he is cute without him being skeptical. Prior to this conversation he had told me that we’re at a point in our relationship where looks don’t matter. They’re just a plus. No matter how many times i tell him that he is not ugly, he won’t believe it. He needs to realize it for himself. I can’t help with that. But this is more personal. I tell him that i think he’s cute, and i wouldn’t be with him if i didn’t think he were cute. I tell him the truth, but i can tell he doesn’t believe me. There’s no way for me to get it through his head. I cry. And that makes him apologize. But i’m not crying because he has done something to offend me, i am crying because he does not believe in himself. And that kills me inside. Because if a person does not have self-confidence, there’s not much that can be done. I wish i could help him but i can’t. I am privelaged that i have grown up with people who have constantly told me how beautiful i was (even when i wasn’t). I truly feel sorry that he was deprived of that.